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Every sunday night there is a group of folks that meet at my house and we discuss important issues pertaining to the life of faith.  We talk long and hard about Jesus and grace and the cross.  We are reading through "the Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning, and using it as a catalyst for our discussion.  I've read the book many times and am amazed at how convicting it continues to be.  It reveals to me that I must continue to recognize my true state before the cross of Christ.  Here are a couple thoughts:

1. I guess I always believed that as I grow in Christ, my sin would decrease, thus my need for Him would decrease.  You know, as my sins are conquered by the blood of Christ, my need for forgiveness in Him would also decrease.  This way I can be less of a burden to Him.  This way I can be a more productive tool in building the Kingdom.

I have come to reallize that viewing myself as a tool in God's Kingdom neglects his design for relationship with His children.  God is, above all, our Abba.  He is the father who loves His kids and is conquering the world to win them back.  Forgiveness is not a means to an end of making me a dutiful soldier for Christ, it is an invitation to a friendship.  The need for forgiveness will not diminish my need for Him because He is the source of my life and my hope.  To think that we could outgrow our need for him is as if a flower told the sun it didn't need light any longer.  Our need for His love is perpetual, surpassing time or circumstance.

2. The word "recognize" stuck in my brain tonight.  Our need to recognize our sinfullness is essential in our growth as believers.  When I fail to recognize and examine my life as exposed by the cross (thanks D Webb), I fail to recognize my need for Him.  Folks in the holiness movement get worked up in a tizzy when people talk to much about grace because they want us to talk about how to change our behavior.  And it is a shame because the only way our behavior will truly change is by being saturated in His grace.  Manning says that repentance is not what we do to earn forgiveness but it is what we do because we have been forgiven.  When we recognize that we have been forgiven through no merit of our own, that changes us.  We fail to believe this and that is why we fail so often to see it lived out.  That doesn't make it any less true.

3. Comparing is a bad thing and I think God hates it.  I compare myself to my friends.  I envy their lives.  I covet their ability to ward off the temptation that I fall prey to.  I feel condemned when they talk about their struggles when I know mine sound way worse than theirs.  I fail to trust God that He is all I need.  I'm concerned that people won't like me if they really knew what I battle everyday.  God is working transparency into me but I usually go half-way; telling half-truths to satiate my conscience, not obeying Jesus' command to live in the light. 

But this morning, we sang a simple, old hymn, and for some reason it just about wrecked me.  He's all I need, He's all I need, Jesus is all I need.

I reallized that it is true.  My white knuckling and trying to live up to my own expectations is robbing me of the joy of my Father's love.  Instead of the seductive voice guilt and shame, I heard a gentle voice whisper, I will be faithful to complete the good work in you, son.  Trust.